Soccer Pimp: In Defence of Passion

If you're a casual sports fan you may not be aware that the North American sports world is in the midst of a long-standing, ever-mutating battle between traditional "American" sports and soccer. This battle involves fans, owners and media, and it happens on both a conscious and sub-conscious level. The battle is the following; how to resist the growth of the world's most popular sports in its final holdout region, USA and Canada.

Despite a few blips, the Forces of Resistance have always had the upper hand on the Knights of Footy, thanks to an entrenched anti-soccer media. In the late 70's the NASL took North America by storm with the arrival of Pelé, who signed to play for the New York Cosmos. It was an explosion that couldn't be sustained. As soon as Pelé was gone the sport imploded for a multitude of reasons (I suggest watching Once In A Lifetime as an educational tool), sending it into a dark place where it remained for a few more decades. At the time, critics of the sport cited its un-American slant, and even went as far as to call it the sport of Communists (ah, the Cold War, how we miss you!).

When the US successfully bid on hosting the 1994 World Cup, FIFA forced a concession from the organizing committee; America would have to establish its own national soccer league. Major League Soccer was born, and this time the people put in charge did it the right way. They fostered a slow growth of the league, waiting until markets developed and genuine demand presented itself for expansion. The seed was planted. Now the naysayers claimed that a National league could never work, people didn't want the product shoved down their throats, the NASL proved that soccer could not sustain itself. Note the escalation in sophistication and volume of the arguments.

The success of the 1994 World Cup took many by surprise, and introduced many more to the beautiful game (including yours truly who was 18 at the time). Networks began to take note and began buying rights to broadcast matches from the best leagues in Europe. As more and more people grew interested in the game, resistance grew ever more feverish. The arguments of the time were that this was a sport for sissies, divers, immigrants, it was boring, there was no action. Media types began writing columns dismissing the sport, claiming to not "get" what the fuss was about, all a flash in the pan.

With more cable licences being awarded, and more and more sports channels becoming available, soccer continued to grow. Here in Canada, Sportsnet (first CTV, then Rogers) began pushing soccer in a major way, by signing an exclusivity contract with the Canadian Soccer Association to carry all national team games but more importantly, carrying several English Premiership matches every week. People around me, knowing I was a fan of the sport, started asking more and more pertinent questions about it: "How does it work?", "What is relegation?", "Why is Owen Hargreaves not playing for Canada?", etc. I even wrote a column on the Voyageurs website to give lovers of the sport a bit of ammunition against the multiplying howls of fury at the sport's growth.

Apparently the reporters being asked to cover soccer were not happy about it, and this translated to numerous sports personalities taking shots at the sport. I'll never forget the play-by-play voice of the Ottawa Senators, Dean Brown, on a CBC panel with the Ottawa Citizen's Wayne Scanlan debating the popularity of the sport and its potential in Canada. This was on the eve of the 2002 World Cup. Brown completely ripped soccer and the people who love it, such a vociferous, unwarranted attack that I will never forgive him for it. It was low-brow stuff, the typical macho, hockey-is-king bullshit. There was something about soccer that made these people's blood boil; even having to talk about it seemed like an insult to their manhood and fighting words would fly.

Seven years on, soccer's made some incredible strides. The signs are everywhere: Toronto FC selling out every home game they've ever played, Vancouver being awarded an MLS expansion franchise for 2011, Montreal and Ottawa practically begging for a franchise, 55,000+ at Olympic Stadium for a CONCACAF Champions League match, no less than three cable channels dedicated to soccer, UEFA Champions League matches every week on TSN, Premiership on Sportsnet and The Score. On Sunday night, I noticed something incredible during the broadcast of the Braves-Phillies MLB season kickoff; on the news crawler at the bottom of the screen, alongside fellow categories "MLB", "NBA", "NHL" and "NCAA" were "MLS" and "Soccer". When soccer's turn was up, scores from the English, Italian, Spanish and Mexican leagues flashed across the screen. I smiled. When the "Worldwide Leader" deems you worthy of real estate on its crawler, you've officially arrived.

And now we've come to the reason for this random defence of soccer, and more specifically its passionate fans. Over the last few weeks I've been reading and hearing many of the Forces of Resistance, in its death throes, argue that the fans of soccer who attend games are indeed poseurs, fakes, guilty of fabricated enthusiasm. When I hear this, I know the Knights of Footy have won. If your argument, your last stand against the invasion, is that the emotion and passion you witness is somehow "fake", it might be better to just sulk as you cry into your beverage. You've failed to get on board, you've erred in your assessment of the qualities of the sport, you are immune to the contagious quality of fan pro-activity. For what you deem "fabricated enthusiasm" is really proactive engagement from fans. Those passionate people you see on television supporting Toronto FC? They've met beforehand, they congregate on the internet, they invent chants, they create banners, they come to the stadium prepared to lift their team without the need for permission from jumbotron prompts. They have songs for individual players, individual occurrences, and they intimidate opposition players.

Soccer has arrived, and is here to stay. The media has finally evolved into embracing the sport. More and more news organizations, both online and traditional, have a soccer columnist on staff. Soccer highlights take up more and more time on sports news shows. The debate is no longer "can soccer catch on in Canada?", it is "how big will it get?". You think there's a lot of coverage now? Just wait until Canada's Mens National Team finally qualifies for the World Cup - only 5 years to Brazil 2014!

How long before the Forces of Resistance play their last card and start branding us all hooligans? Or has that already started?

Soccer Pimp: To Find Inspiration

There are moments in soccer that happen fairly frequently (certainly more frequently than in any other sport), which inspire me in a unique way. Moments of beauty that whether or not I am a fan of a particular team, I simply must put aside rivalries and tip my cap. Such a moment did not occur in Toronto FC's 2-0 loss at the hands of the expansion Seattle Sounders. However, Manchester United provided moments worthy of a fairy-tale on Sunday morning.

Aston Villa rolled into Old Trafford, a ground on which they had not won in 25 years. Between these two teams, I definitely wanted Villa to win. I cheer against United in almost any situation - Sir Alex Ferguson's arrogance assures this. For those not familiar with this guy, imagine Don Cherry's fiery temper mixed with Scotty Bowman's tenure and success (actually, just imagine Cherry had he been successful at coaching). That's Alex Ferguson. His squad has been decimated by injury and suspensions, and he was operating with a skeleton crew. On the bench were kids from the reserves, including a 17-year-old Italian kid who was about to have the best day in his young life.

The first three-quarters of the match were entertaining, featuring some skillful displays and a trio of goals that put Villa up 2-1. This was exciting in and of itself; a team about to break a 25-year-old hoodoo tends to be entertaining on its own merit. The football gods were not satisfied with this trivial matter, however, and the next 20 minutes were pure magic.

First, after what the announcer called the "Siege at the Stratford End" (that end of the pitch being the name of the stands in front of which Villa was painstakingly trying to keep the ball out of the net), Cristiano Ronaldo (pictured, right) had a beautiful goal that was just another example of his brilliance (I acknowledge this grudgingly). By this time, Ferguson had made a curious switch of personnel. In taking Nani out of the game, he had replaced him with an unknown striker name Federico Macheda, a young Italian who had been plucked a few years earlier from the Lazio youth system. United supporters were befuddled by this selection, since there was a better-known young phenom striker also sitting on the bench.

Even at 2-2 the match seemed unsettled - United kept charging and Villa looked exhausted. Ferguson worked his magic once more by intimidating the fourth official, hounding him while frantically gesticulating at his watch, claiming Villa was time wasting. It worked, and the board went up at 90 minutes indicating five extra minutes. There's no way there was five minutes lost during the second half, but I digress - this is part of the man's genius.

The assault on the Villa goal continued, which produced one of those moments I spoke of off the top. Here is what transpired (do hurry to watch this, these clips are usually removed from YouTube in a hurry):


I couldn't help but smile. This boy's dream had just been fulfilled, and who wouldn't be moved by that? It's the same reason that I can't help but enjoy every moment where a Championship is clinched, when the team storms the field. It is pure joy and even if I wasn't cheering for that particular team, I smile. I don't know what it is, but seeing a bunch of grown (and in this case not so grown) men jump for joy, hugging one another in unabated bliss fills my own heart with the same feeling. Sappy, I know.

And there you have it; Manchester United denied Villa their historic victory and the boys from Birmingham can try again next year.

Soccer Pimp: Toronto FC - No Ticket To Be Had

So much for those who said Toronto FC's success would be a flash in the pan, an anomaly that would right itself in time: for the third straight season, Toronto FC has sold every ticket of every game.

There's a wonderful write-up in the Globe and Mail by Neil Davidson, which explains how the stadium had a lot to do with the franchise's success. It's caught a lot of people by surprise, including those that brought the team to Toronto:

"I get asked this question all the time. 'Did you ever expect it to be so successful out of the gate?"' says Tom Anselmi, executive vice-president and CEO for Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment. "The answer is 'No, we didn't actually.'

"We believed that soccer was going to succeed in this market, we knew there's lots of soccer fans. The question was would they buy into Major League Soccer? We didn't really know that."

I have to admit that although I thought the team could thrive in the Toronto market, I wasn't expecting this kind of over-the-top success. No one did. The Toronto Lynx had toiled in obscurity for years in the USL, a league just one notch below Major League Soccer. In this respect, Montreal was a better logical fit for an MLS team, considering they had been drawing thousands of fans per game operating in the same league as the Lynx. However, the Toronto bid had the backing of the MLSE behemoth, and a soccer-specific stadium plan to go with it. I bet there was a lot of nail-biting from the MLS and MLSE offices once the franchise was awarded to Toronto.

I was present at that first home game in 2007. It was a chilly April afternoon and I had made the trip with my buddy Daddio, the tickets being a Christmas gift from Laura. I knew the game was sold out, but I didn't quite know what to expect. If anything I expected the typical Toronto crowd from Leafs and Jays games that sit on their hands. Boy was I wrong.

MLSE made the brilliant decision of assigning a section of the stadium to the most hardcore fans, the Red Patch Boys. These fans, many also associated to The Voyageurs, took the bull by the horns and created an atmosphere I had only experienced in European football stadiums and during the NHL playoffs (actually, it was better than the NHL playoffs). Singing, drumming, chanting, throwing streamers onto the field - they made a 1-0 defeat feel like a resounding victory. They showed everyone what an organized group of supporters could create, something North America is not used to (except for college football). BMO field became the story that day, and has continued to offer the best soccer atmosphere in North America. No one even comes close.

The success of Toronto FC is what has me optimistic about soccer's chances in other non-traditional Canadian markets. I'll have more on this in the future, but the tide is turning in this country, and the old guard better be on alert because the cliché, go-to put downs are becoming moot and their worst fears - a soccer renaissance in Canada - are coming true.

Soccer Pimp: Celebrate in style

I thought this was just too good to pass up.

Soccer Pimp: Loser's Lament

The first smile to cross my face this morning happened when I thought of myself sitting at Skydome tomorrow, watching the World Baseball Classic. The second smile appeared when the shuffle on my iPod offered me Hawksley Workman's Piano Blink. The rest of the commute was spent with a frown as I replayed the second half of the Impact-Santos Laguna match from last night in my head.

As I wrote yesterday, all the Impact had to do to progress to the semi-final round of the CONCACAF Champions League was not lose by 3 or more. This turned out to be a bridge too far for John Limniadis' valiant squad.

The Mexican champions got off to a quick start, netting a goal within 15 minutes. I lost a bit of hope at this point as it seemed that Santos were far superior to the Impact, a much different team than the one we saw at Olympic Stadium. My St. Thomas moment was fleeting, however, as the Impact quickly put together two goals and carried that lead into the half. As that second goal went in, I lifted my arms in victory but also in shock. It would not be the last shocking moment of the evening.

For those not familiar with the aggregate system in soccer, this basically meant that because of Montréal's 2-0 win back home last week, Santos had to score 4 goals in the second half to win the quarterfinal. Here's what I wrote on my Facebook page: "Ottawa Sports Guy is watching in disbelief as it seems the Impact are on their way!". What happened next will go down as one of the worst collapses in sports that I've ever witnessed.

When you're essentially up by four goals in soccer, it is perfectly natural to assume a defensive posture and let the action come to you, breaking up any attempt to score. Eleven men committed to this last night. Eleven others committed themselves to the opposite endeavour. Unfortunately, when a northern team travels to Central America in what becomes a battle of endurance, the weathered latin team's legs usually win out. It was no different on this night.

Wave after wave of attack beat down on the Impact's 18 yard box as Santos laid siege to the Montreal goal. For a while, the Impact were resolute in destroying whatever creativity was flung upon them. Right place, Right time, that kinda thing. Then the goals came. By the 90th minute, the score was 3-2 Santos and it looked like an Impact victory as we waited for the fourth official to signal the amount of stoppage time. The electronic board was raised above his head and flashed "4". Where he found four minutes, I'll never know. More on this later.

By this time, there were 11 white Impact jerseys jammed into the tight space of the 18-yard box. Their legs were visibly tired, and it seemed as though they hoped to build some sort of impenetrable wall to keep the ball out for four long, arduous minutes. The first goal went in, and the Santos players rushed back across the halfway line to get the game started again. It was too much for the tired Impact defenders. The last goal went in as the crowd went absolutely bonkers. If I wasn't cheering for the Impact I would have allowed myself a smile. Instead I sat in my La-z-boy in complete shock, my heart sinking into the pit of my stomach. How in the world had this turned into a Bill Simmons "gut-punch" game?

At a certain point in the second half, the referee lost the plot. A Santos player merited a red card on two incidents in the same sequence, for lifting his spikes at an incoming challenge and then raising his hands to the face of the defender when he called him on his intent to injure. All he got was a yellow, yet the rulebook is black and white about striking an opposing player's face with your hand. Then referee failed to call a penalty on the Santos keeper after he brought down the Impact striker in the box. Should have been a penalty shot, and Santos went straight back down the field and scored. And then there was the four minutes of stoppage time. Another dubious CONCACAF officiating decision that favours a Central Amercian team. Shameful, that. Now you know why I titled this thread "Loser's Lament".

All in all, we'll all have to take a deep breath and forget this unforgettable evening, instead remembering the year the Impact went on their improbable run to the quarterfinal of this prestigious competition and made Canada proud.

The first 2009 Voyageurs Cup match in Montreal takes place May 20th against Vancouver Whitecaps. Road trip, Waffle-Man?

Soccer Pimp: Update

No sooner had I wondered if Jack Warner had somehow betrayed Sepp Blatter's loyalty is he cleared of all charges by FIFA's disciplinary committee. Allow me to go into further detail about why he got in trouble. Jack(ass) Warner was in hot water because the media caught wind of a racketeering operation involving his son, who sold around 9,000 World Cup tickets with heavy premiums to fans all over the world. The tickets were sold through a Trinidadian travel company owned by - you guessed it - Jack Warner. It is estimated the Warner family made off with close to a million dollars in sales from those tickets.

And now, once again, Jack Warner escapes unscathed. Accountability is not a FIFA value, evidently.

Soccer Pimp: News

• Old Sepp Blatter was at it again this week, urging the European leagues to embrace a harmonized schedule that calls for a winter break and a season that spans February to November. I don't really know where I come down on this issue, but I can assure you it will never come to pass. The English FA will secede from FIFA before they change what they've been doing since 1863, which is to play from August to April with the FA Cup being the culmination of the season in May. As stubborn as Sepp can be, he'll never let that happen.
• A ruling is set to come down on Thursday in the case involving CONCACAF President Jack Warner. When people in soccer talk about corruption in FIFA, they can use Jack Warner as a poster boy. As President of our confederation, Warner has lined his pockets year in and year out, and has always made sure Trinidad and Tobago got favourable matchups in tournaments and friendlies (Warner is Trinidadian). What's gotten Warner in hot water this time is the allegation that he lined his pockets by selling his allocation of World Cup tickets this summer (someone get this guy in touch with Mike Tice!). What I find most intriguing about this turn of events is what Warner must have REALLY done to attract FIFA's disciplinary attention - scalping tickets is the least of Warner's crimes against humanity. Perhaps he betrayed Sepp Blatter's loyalty?
• Jürgen Klinsmann, the man widely credited with steering Germany to a surprise semi-final appearance in last summer's World Cup, is set to be announced as the new manager of Team U.S.A. Hold on, hold on, don't let that feeling in the pit of your stomach take hold until you hear me out. Yes, I love to bash on America and cheer against their teams - except when it comes to soccer. I view American success in soccer as an indicator of Canadian opportunity in soccer. When teams from this confederation do well, as they did in the 2002 World Cup in Korea/Japan, we are rewarded with some extra spots for the next World Cup. Therefore, if the U.S.A. gets a world-class manager, and have some successes (no, I don't want them to win the World Cup, I won't go that far), then it gives Canada some extra shots at making it for the first time since 1986 (its only appearance on the world stage). FORZA U.S.A! (shoot me now)
  
• Toronto FC news: FC's first ever match will come against Chivas USA in Carson, California. Their home opener will be April 28th (brrrrr) against the Kansas City Wizards (there's a team that needs a name change). Also, the FC rounded out its coaching staff with a bunch of guys I don't know.
  

Soccer Pimp: Clash of Titans

It was with great anticipation that I sat down to watch yesterday’s titanic clash between the best two clubs in Britain: Manchester United (34 pts) and Chelsea FC (31 pts). Not only was it going to be Chelsea’s shot at climbing atop Manchester United’s perch, but I would also get to see one of my favourite player matchups in soccer: Christiano Ronaldo (right midfielder) v. Ashley Cole (left back).

It’s difficult for me to admit that I like watching these two players go after each other because I despise them both. They are both notorious divers. They whine incessantly. Ronaldo, for all his brilliance, barely ever produces goals – except for free kicks garnered for his team by flopping to the ground (pictured, right). Cole, while playing for an Arsenal team that was a perennial contender for English and European trophies, determined it wasn’t enough and held illegal meetings with Chelsea FC to jump ship (obviously, he eventually got his way). They are both the types of players I love to hate. Regardless of this, every time they go head-to-head turns into an epic battle of speed, strength and nastiness that makes for a compelling drama.

There were other reasons to watch. Manchester’s Alex Ferguson is one the most belligerent managers in the game, a fierce competitor that rarely gives opponents credit. Jose Mourinho (the self-designated “special one”) is one of the sport’s most amusing characters – he usually spends the first half of games alternating between looking unmoved and looking like daddy took his cookie. Then, in the second half, he gets more and more agitated with every passing minute. By contrast, you can watch the pressure rise in Ferguson by the colour of his cheeks, which go from pasty white to rosy to crimson to vein-popping purple, until he finally loses his mind and gives one of his players or the 4th official a tongue-lashing – most often his foul temper extends into his post-game interview. Good times.

It must be said that I don’t find much endearing in both these teams. On top of the aforementioned distasteful characters you’ve also got Roman Abramovich, the Russian oil tycoon who bought Chelsea a few years ago and proceeded to dump hundreds of millions of dollars into acquiring the best players in the world, turning Chelsea from a perennial almost-have to a have-it-all. The club went from loveable losers to despicable opportunists overnight. It has an all-star at every position, plus it could field its second team and contend for the Premiership title.

They are who Manchester United used to be. In the nineties, Man U was a dynasty with no rival. With David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Roy Keane, Peter Schmeichel, Ryan Giggs, Dennis Irwin and Dwight Yorke, to name a few, that team won title after title including the European Champions’s League in 1999 (a year in which Man U completed the treble: Premiership, FA Cup and Champion’s League titles). Fairly or not, the overdog label has stuck to the Red Devils even as they fell on harder times at the turn of the millennium. They are now back to competing at the highest level.

It is against this backdrop that I sat down to watch these two teams face off. Within a few minutes it was clear they weren’t going to disappoint, giving poor referee Howard Webb more than he bargained for as he tried to calm everyone down. In a high-intensity match like this one it’s important for the official to lay down the law early, and he was able to do so without issuing any cards until the 21st minute, when he produced a yellow to Claude Makalélé after repeated warnings. This allowed the players to play a physical game while knowing that there were consequences to rash and violent actions. It’s a fine line only the better referees can straddle.

Cole and Ronaldo didn’t disappoint either. Manchester’s strategy early on was clearly to feed the ball to Ronaldo on the right side and have him carry the ball deep into Chelsea territory. The only problem was that his nemesis was always ready to stand in his way, Cole acting as an effective obstacle that would stretch Ronaldo’s abilities as far they could take him. It was, as always with these two, a clear cut case of top players making each other better through competition. If only they were model citizens!

Manchester’s Louis Saha put the Red Devils ahead in the 28th minute with a brilliant goal. At the top left of his opponents’ 18-yard box, Saha took the ball while Chelsea’s defence looked ready to impede him. Ricardo Carvalho was shadowing him closely, but Saha made the tiniest of sidesteps to his left and unleashed a curving drive that just slipped past Carlo Cudiccini’s hands and the post. The look on Carvalho’s face was priceless, as he looked incredulous that Saha had pulled it off – in his mind, it seemed he had done everything needed to stop him. That’s the sheer brilliance of soccer – moments of genius that come out of nowhere, against all odds. Four against one, Saha had struck the opening blow to the defending league champions.

Going down a goal seemed to bring Chelsea some vitality. Watching these two star-packed sides spar was a thing of beauty. Finally, in the 69th minute, Carvalho and Saha were back in the spotlight, but at the other end of the pitch. After Michel Essien had gone deep into Manchester territory and secured a corner kick, Mourinho directed his best ball-headers into the box, including Carvalho. From the right corner flag Frank Lampard swung the ball into the box, perfectly aimed at Carvalho’s head, which he redirected towards goal. Saha, defending the left post, rose to head the ball away but instead drove the ball into the top of the mesh. It seemed like Van der Sar would have gotten his hands to it but for Saha’s intervention, although none can fault him for trying to clear his line. You could see Carvalho’s relief and exultation at having redeemed his earlier underestimation of Saha’s skill, and to do it at the Frenchman’s expense must have felt pretty sweet.

The rest of game unfolded without too much drama and ended in a 1-1 draw, so a point to both competitors. The fireworks were not over, however. In his post-game spin session, Sir Alex went on to boast that Manchester United had proved they were the best team in the Premiership. Umm, you just drew your heated rival, in your own backyard, and you’re the best team? Come again? Mourinho, not to be outdone, claimed that Man U had blown its chance to put Chelsea away and now would face the consequences. On the day,

I would say that Mourinho was victorious. He brought his team to the league leader’s home turf and came from behind to share the spoils, a huge swing in a league that awards three points for victories. Chelsea remain three points out of first, and simply have to wait until Manchester succumbs to the pressure of leading. Can’t wait for the rematch in the new year!

Soccer Pimp Notes:

- Toronto FC signed three Canadian internationals last week: Marco Reda, Adam Braz and Chris Pozniak. All three are defenders, and if they can sign a fourth Canadian defender, our National program will benefit greatly from having a back line that plays together year-round.

- Speaking of our National program, our Canadian men lost 1-0 to Hungary in a friendly last week. Not a bad result, and according to those that saw the match Hungary made like thieves in the night after being dominated by Canada throughout the match. Many of our more prominent players were missing through injury or club commitments only to be replaced with a younger generation of Canucks, so that’s promising. It’s time to hire a full-time manager, though. Want to learn more about the sport in Canada? Make sure you check out www.canadian-soccer.com/forum

- Toronto FC has its first potential star: forward Edson Buddle. Mo Johnston acquired Buddle from New York Red Bull by trading away defender Tim Regan, a player chosen in the expansion draft. Buddle 33 goals in 54 career starts. Buddle is an American who’s played for Team USA at every competitive level. Who the hell is Tim Regan? Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing Jimmy Brennan and Ronnie O'Brien feed Buddle the ball.

Soccer Pimp: A Great Decision

You won't see these words written very often in this space, but today CONCACAF have announced a great decision (CONCACAF is the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football - UEFA's North American cousin). They've decided that the Gold Cup (Concacaf's version of the European Championships, or Euro)will no longer have "invitation" teams. What this means is that only teams from our Confederation will be allowed to play in our Championship. Having "invitation" teams was akin to having a European club team participate in the Stanley Cup playoffs because it was deemed that the 16th team wasn't strong enough to compete. It was a complete insult to the region, a slap in the face considering only 12 teams play in the Gold Cup.

Are there 12 world class teams in CONCACAF? No. Only Mexico and USA deserve that designation. However, why deny Nicaragua or Haiti the chance to play with the big boys in our regional championship? Latvia played in the last Euro, for crying out loud! We all know anything can happen in soccer, and Latvia proved that by drawing Germany in the group stage. Would you deny them that opportunity in favour of inviting South Korea or Ecuador? UEFA would never demean itself in such a way, and I'm glad to see CONCACAF come to their senses.

For the record, Canada won the Gold cup in 2000 and was 3rd in 2002. Yes, the championship is played every two years. This is the next battleground in the war between CONCACAF and Common Sense: let's have the championship played every four years, in the same year as the Euro. At the same time we can add four teams to bring it up to 16. In this way the Championship will gain credibility and cachet.

The Soccer Pimp Revisited

A few years ago (by the looks of it, back when I still had room for Michael Landsberg in my life), I wrote this little column for The Voyageurs website (check out their forum: It's the web's premium gathering place for Canadian soccer). I've dusted it off a bit and am offering it to you as a reminder that there are ways for soccer fans to survive in our American-centric sports landscape. Also check out Neate Seager's interesting blog on how he vows to become a soccer fan. I wonder if he was successful?

Survivor's Handbook in a Hostile Soccer Society

Dick Howard, TSN’s venerable soccer analyst, recently appeared on Michael Landsberg’s OTR along with the usual assortment of sportscaster, eye candy and Ignorant Loudmouth. OTR deserves credit for kicking off its show with a question we in the soccer community have been asking for years: “Will soccer ever become part of the mainstream in Canada”?It turns out that Ignorant Loud-Mouth was one of those “soccer sucks” blowhards. You know the type: the guy at the bar or family dinner who feels he has to come down hard on the sport with half-witted arguments, no matter if he’s alone or surrounded by 20 English hooligans. The problem with these Ignorants is that the people who might be prone to enjoy soccer if left to their own thoughts become useless lemmings in the company of Ignorant Loud-Mouth. They nod in fearful agreement to his discourse, which is usually just a regurgitation of something he heard on the Jim Rome Show. Ah, and the radio show analogy is a useful one in this case – these people remind me of the Right-Wing radio people across North America: the Rush Limbaughs, Lowell Greens and Bill O’Reilly’s of the world. It's quasi-impossible to turn these people into soccer fans, but you can at least stand your ground and give observers of the debate food for thought.

With that in mind, I thought I’d put together a quick-reference list of intelligent comebacks to these unsavory opinions, for use by you the reader the next time you encounter Ignorant Loudmouth.

Ignorant Loudmouth: I can’t get into a sport where the players flop and dive all over the place, as if they just got shot. Then they just get right back up like nothing happened.

Refined Soccer Enthusiast:

• You’re correct to say that some players dive, but the majority of the pain you see is genuine. The difference between soccer and other sports is the frequency at which studs are driven into various parts of the players legs. Just imagine I went into the closet and pulled out a soccer/baseball shoe, and drove the stud into your ankle right now. You would probably drop to the ground or hop around on your good foot. After about 10 seconds, the pain would subside and you would be good to go.

• If that's how you really feel about divers, then you'll be restricted to watching golf. Anytime a quarterback or kicker even feels an opposition player close to him after letting go of the ball, he'll go down and roll around, hoping to draw the roughing flag.

• Darcy Tucker.

• Baseball fans know what I’m talking about. Any time you see a runner slide into the 2nd baseman studs up, the next thing you see is that same second basemen rolling around on the ground. Rarely does that player need to be taken out of the game. The only difference is that it happens much less frequently.

Ignorant Loudmouth: Soccer players are sissies. They go down too easy.

Refined Soccer Enthusiast:

• That’s because you’re used to watching North American sports like American football, basketball and hockey where players use their hands. The reason soccer players go down so easy is because they are almost always off-balance – that’s the nature of having to dribble with your feet! When a running back plows into a defensive player he’s got a low centre of gravity because he is hugging the ball and lowering his shoulders. A soccer player doesn’t have that luxury: he has to be light on his feet in order to avoid the countless metal-spiked shoes flying at his ankles. (you can even demonstrate this by asking Ignorant Loudmouth to keep possession of a prop by holding it in his hands while you mock-tackle him, and then repeating with the prop at his feet. You’ll have illustrated your point beautifully!)

Ignorant Loudmouth: The field is too big.

Refined Soccer Enthusiast: Slightly bigger than an American football field, smaller in square feet to a baseball field.

Ignorant Loudmouth: I only like American sports.

Refined Soccer Enthusiast: There is no such thing (unless you count Roller Derby!!).

• Baseball is a modified version of Rounders and Cricket (Britain)
• Football is a modified version of Rugby (Britain)
• Basketball was invented by a Canadian, Dr. James Naismith
• Hockey was invented by Canadians
• Golf was invented in Scotland

Ignorant Loudmouth: It can’t hold my attention because there isn’t enough scoring.

Refined Soccer Enthusiast: Okay, let’s take American football for example. A respectable score in football is around 21-14, which equates to a 3-2 scoreline in soccer (not exactly unheard of). Considering that it takes 2 hours to watch a soccer match, and 3 ½ hours to watch a football match, there’s more scoring in soccer than your beloved football.

Ignorant Loudmouth: The game is so slow. It’s like watching paint dry…

Refined Soccer Enthusiast: …yet you love watching baseball and golf.

Ignorant Loudmouth: I don’t think I could ever get into a game where you don’t know when it will end.

Refined Soccer Enthusiast: In fact, a soccer match never goes beyond 2 hours (except in tournaments where extra time and penalty kicks can stretch the match to 3 hours). In basketball, the final 5 minutes can take up to 30 minutes of real time. In baseball, a game could technically go on indefinitely (ever read W.P. Kinsella’s Shoeless Joe?).

There are many more criticisms that Ignorant Loudmouth loves to jam down everyone’s throats, and I’m sure this column could go on for countless extra pages. I hope I’ve sufficiently armed you for your next encounter with Ignorant Loudmouth, and that you’ll successfully turn him round with his tail between his legs.

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This weekend's soccer on tv:

Saturday:

7:30 am Sheffield United v. Chelsea (stay in bed) (Sportsnet)
10:00 am Liverpool v. Aston Villa (this should be a good match, with star players) (Sportsnet)
11:00 am Watford v Tottenham (Canadian Paul Stalteri plays for Tottenham) (FSW)
12:30 am Newcastle v. Charlton (Sportsnet)
2:30 pm MLS Playoffs: New England Revolution v. Chicago Fire (FSW)

Sunday:

8:00 am West Ham v. Blackburn (Sportsnet)
2:00 pm MLS Playoffs: Houston FC v. Chivas USA (FSW)